catman03

Age/Gender: 15, Male
Location: Anywhere I please

I am a writer of short stories, and a student, who is perhaps too fond of watching movies and spending time on the Internets. I spend a lot of time on Newgrounds, and I've attempted but generally failed to learn flash. There isn't really much else to say.

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Entry #9

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catman03

How Far We Fall: The Fat King And The Desert Wanderer

Posted by catman03 Nov. 29, 2007 @ 6:05 PM EST

Sorry,no updates on my madness day project (as if anybody cares). I would like to ask again, however, that people visit Vonstrochenzone. Anyways, Viewtiful-Chris has been asking me to post this, so i will. It's the first chapter (title above) in my short story (title also above) about a man wandering aimlessly through a post-apocalyptic Earth. I doubt anyone will enjoy it much(but then again i never did have any self-confidence), but i like it. Enjoy.

______________________________________

The world was a nightmare. The war had ravaged the earth, turned it into a huge battle-scarred wasteland. No one seemed to be able to remember exactly how it happened...it was as if one day the planet was thriving, everyone happily living in their own self-delusions...the next the remnants of a fallen civilization scrapped over bits of safe food among the devastated structures that were once buildings. Some of humanity still lived among the ruins...others took refuge in the underground military bases that littered the jungle...but most were busy making a new society, here: in the desert.

<>

The music that could be heard only in Jason's head was epic as he looked down over the dunes, reaching a crescendo that seemed to echo through the sand. It suited the far-reaching landscape of the desert, he thought.

The tightly wrapped cloak that kept the sand from creeping along Jason's skin flapped in the wind a little, it's loose ends whipping back and forth behind him, adding to the feeling of drama.
Putting on a smirk that no one could see beneath his scarf, Jason set off for the city. The wind quickly blew sand over his tracks as he walked. It was as if he was merely a fleeting sensation, a passing touch that could leave no lasting mark on the immortal desert.

The city was far from paradise, but it was a welcome respite from the never-ending sand and the blazing sun. The people lounged in the "streets," having nothing else to do now, the everyday distractions that once kept them idle long since lost in what was known only as "The Fall."
It's sad to think this is probably all that's left, thought Jason. Starving people lying in the sand among desolate buildings; the only structures, manmade or otherwise, that marred the vast expanse of nothingness. But it was a form of art, in a sense. How sick I must be, he thought, that I can see beauty in this.

Walking onward, Jason came upon a large domed-roof building that was partially submerged in the sand. A man whose face was obscured by a raggedy scarf wrapped around his head stood outside the entryway (the door was missing). Jason decided it might be worth taking a look at. He glided over to the doorway and stepped inside, his bare feet making no noise as they stepped onto the sand-covered stone floor. The floor was tilted slightly due to the fact that it was beneath ground level for about a quarter of the building.

A fat man wearing only a piece of cloth over his loins sat in a throne carved into stone which adorned the far side of the room. To his right there was a worn wooden door in the wall. In front of him, half hunched over was a second man. He wore nothing, and was so thin that both his ribs and his spine were visible through his skin, his dark hair was found only on the sides of his head, in messy little patches above his ears. His skin was dark, just like the fat man and everyone else here, but his eyes were bright. His eyes shone with a deep inner intelligence and an emotional spark was present that told volumes about his personality.

Two men who wore loincloths and scarves in the manner of the man outside stood beside the fat man's throne. One hold a dull scimitar that had likely not been polished or sharpened in years, the other's hands were empty. They both stood with a rigid posture, looking straight ahead of them, reminiscent of the demeanor of guards.

"No." said the fat man as he reached to his side and picked up a piece of bread, which he then he shoved into his mouth with all the grace of a slack-jawed hippo.

"But sir! I simply can't live on what you've given me!" demanded the gaunt man, who appeared to be some sort of peasant.

"I said no," replied the fat man.

The gaunt man slinked off, looking even more depressed than before. His feet dragged along the floor as he walked and his face fell under the shadow of his brow. A slight whine escaped his mouth as he left the building.

Jason stepped forward, demanding the attention of the fat man.

"By what authority do you preside over these people with such cruelty?" he asked.

"My own," came the reply "I need no mandate for I am the king, and who the hell are you?"

"Me?" Jason pondered the question "I'm the punchline."

The fat man was confused, one eyebrow raised he remarked "to what?"

"Life," said Jason as he walked away "and you can't do this." Behind him one of the guards swung his scimitar smoothly sideways in a clean arc, swiftly removing the "king's" head. The guard didn't even break posture, remaining a sentry to nothing; forever gazing ahead. The fat man's blood stained the floor, and his rule was no more.

How easily men rise and fall, thought Jason morbidly.

The city was of passing interest, but no answers lay there, and so Jason moved on into the unknown. Wandering through the streets, the only one with a purpose.

<>

Looking back, the city was a speck, a forlorn dot barely marking the desert. Jason wondered if he'd done the right thing, leaving. He wondered if there really was anything left out there, beyond that city, beyond the ill-defined borders of the pathetic little shell that was probably all that was left of humanity. But Jason's mind was no party to regret, and so he walked on, in no direction in particular.
The sand and heat wore on the mind, a burden on thought, hindering passage through the desert. Being surrounded completely by nothing had that sort of effect on people. The journey was rough, but possible.

The sand eventually gave way to long craggy cliffs of cracked tan rock, falling away sharply to reveal the ocean stretched out into infinity. The water was dyed a deep unnatural green by the cast off bits and pieces of society's refuse that were scattered among the waves.

Sighing gently, Jason let go of the earth slowly...and jumped.

End of chapter one.

Edit:

Paragraphs are seperated by a line due to the formatting of userpages.

Updated: 11/30/07 7:59 PM Log in to comment! | Share this!

The People Have Spoken

5 Comments

Nov. 30, 2007 | 6:11 PM Viewtiful-Chris says:

Well, it's brilliantly written, but you DO NEED TO FIX THOSE PARAGRAPHS! Enter enter is what I do.

One thing I really didn't get is how you chose to imply emotions directly when it wasn't necessary to do so. Such as when his cape is waving, you didn't need to state it 'added drama'.

Also, there seems to be an abscence so far of a developing plot here that ties everything in. It's a good introduction, but so far all we have is this extremely likable main character.

There really was no point to having the king 'suddenly' be killed, that made no sense to me. I know the king would be, but so unlikely then and in such a grand presence. It's a clever metaphor for how the world is repeating, but doesn't entirely touch base with reality.

The final thing that detracted from it was the sense of technology. If this is the future, why are they going back to an Arabian style? Why wield scimitars if there are so many guns and advanced present weaponry buried in the sand? Again, shouldn't this be futuristic instead of ancient?

I'm not sure whether this is science-fiction or fantasy. The technology issue made it seem like a fantasy, but it has the feel of science-fiction. Is this our future or another human race's? This plot works, but you need to decide whether this is the future and implement new technology references into the story to show their adaptation to the new environment, or a fantasy future where it is much like the past.

Excellent creativity though, but I'm not sure where this story is really starting.

And remember, ENTER ENTER for line spacing. Paragraphs don't work.

Nov. 30, 2007 | 7:35 PM catman03 responds:

The part about it adding drama was stated because it (along with the bit about music) was supposed to show that Jason (like myself) is a very artistic and overly dramatic person,when he sees the desert he stands up on a dune with his cloak flapping in the wind and hears booming epic-battle-esque music. As for the lack of developing plot, there's a reason for that. iI's not supposed to have a plot in the traditional sense; i'm not really writing a story so much as i am making a world. Throughout the story Jason simply wanders through the world, coming upon different people and different places as he goes along. Each little group he comes upon is a commentary about a different part of society. Chapter one (obviously) serves as both an introduction and a bit about monarchy. And you're right that the part about the king suddenly being killed didn't really make sense; but it's not supposed to. It's merely a statement about how easily kings rise and fall,and also it was supposed to give the impression that it was casual and the sort of thing that happened all the time, thus expressing the repetition about history. And the technology is not supposed to be futuristic or ancient, different parts of the world have different levels of technology. For instance this part has the scimitar; showing that it is a very undeveloped and somewhat archaic region. Later on however, the technology changes. In the chapter "The Bunker Man" one man shoots another with a rifle, and near the end "The Children Of The Ruins" demonstrate near-futuristic technology. It's set in modern times, but the time isn't really important. And this is most decidedly; our races near future. It's science fiction with a touch of fantasy. The fantastical part is the sense of surrealism and the lack of logic and reason, however there's nothing completely illogical or impossible in there. No "magic" or anything. And thanks for the tips about the spacing.


Nov. 30, 2007 | 9:43 PM Viewtiful-Chris says:

So it's essentially a surrealistic montage through the past and future of our world with the center being this character...

Neat! Doesn't have much to say, but you're imagery is top-notch!

Thanks for the epic and helpful response!


Dec. 10, 2007 | 12:19 AM cobe44 says:

FLUMING SPNEAVE! LOL notcaps

Dec. 10, 2007 | 8:25 PM catman03 responds:

I should delete that but i won't because i know you in real life (and don't hate you with fiery passion).


Dec. 17, 2007 | 8:36 PM cobe44 says:

Yes, you should delete that.
but you won't.
I can't seem to find any other ways to comment on pplz's profs.
But anyway- the plot develops too fast. slow it down- more character development. You introduce the FATMAN (as i shall now address him), and you almost immediately kill him off.
if you want a good story, develop the interesting characters. Or, if you truly want to keep the length of excerpts such as these, make the character less interesting that you intend to kill off. the FATMAN had a lot of potential- and you can still harness that. maybe you can have Jason encounter some more evidence of the FATMAN's rule.
FATMAN lol notcaps

Dec. 18, 2007 | 5:34 PM catman03 responds:

Maybe you should read the above comment(s) and my response(s). Everything i would use for a rebuttal is up there, but i don't care to ctrl+c it for sake of not being too redundant.


Dec. 27, 2007 | 1:14 AM cobe44 says:

well, it's quite an imposing wall of text, you have to admit.
TL;DR

Dec. 27, 2007 | 6:16 PM catman03 responds:

True. I can see it from my house!

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